(no subject)

Yesterday, my roommate and I hosted a Halloween Party in our dorm room and I felt like I didn't belong. I can't see any reason for it, and I had been super excited about the party beforehand.

I really miss my four best friends: Abby, Carolyn, Lauren, and Jeff. When I'm upset I feel like I can't talk to the people I'm around, even though they're nice and they're here, just because I can't possibly know them as well as these four people.

I've hardly eaten anything today but I feel like throwing it all up, and I don't know why.

I've been missing Sam again lately. I really just want to go back to when we were good friends, because I want a hug from him. When he was my friend, he really really was a friend. But now I know even if I tried talking to him I wouldn't get any sort of response.

The night last winter that was supposed to be the last day of school before break but wasn't because of the power outage. Remember that? Well, I'd had a lot of fun that night when I dropped shortbread off at the houses of people I knew. Then David and I went over to Ferris' where we discovered an impromptu party. Then David, Zager, Billy, and Rob were leaving, but I came in with them so I felt it would be weird if I didn't leave with them. Then we went to eat in Canyon Park, and were all gonna go over to Billy's house for the rest of the night. But then Zager and Rob had relatives and Billy's mom probably wouldn't actually be okay with all that, so I ended up going to Jeff's instead since everyone else went home.

Turns out none of that last bit was true. They weren't going home. They, sorry Rob, wanted to get rid of me. Zager and Billy were all too happy to go along with it. I'm not upset that they didn't want me joining them, I'm upset that they didn't just say it and instead pretended they would have wanted to.

Apparently a lot of people I considered friends actually dislike me because "I try too hard to be nice all the time." or something like that. What? How does that even make sense? Yes, I'm kind and polite to people who are nice to me. Yes, I come to view a lot of those people as friends and hang out with them. I don't understand how that can be annoying, how people can be disliked for that.

I'm having a really bad weekend and I just don't know why. I'm crying and I don't know why. I really just need a hug, but I don't want to have to ask for one. I just want to feel close to someone, but I don't want to have to cry in front of anyone for them to see that.

I have so much work to do and I just want to escape into a book.