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carvinkeeper12Well, I'll start this off happy with birthday wishes for the lovely Kassi ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tardis60 and crazy-cool Feefs i_aregettingold!
Now, a cut for ugh-ness.
I got an e-mail about two months ago. It was informing me that I am on academic probation. I'd failed to end the semester with a 2.0 and at least 14 credits. Instead, I got two Fs, four Bs/B+s, for a 1.9 and 12 credits. Those weren't my first Fs, and I know exactly what I did to earn them: nothing. I didn't care. Or didn't care to put in extra work after finding it difficult to follow the scatterbrained teacher. I liked my Egyptian Religion class, and found it really interesting, but the entire grade was based on three essays and attendance. I ended up doing none of the essays. I don't really know why I didn't do them. I started the first two, but didn't get beyond the opening paragraph for either. Then, I just didn't finish them. I didn't even feel all that guilty when I didn't even bother with the third.
In high school, I skated by. I cared. I was a little lazy, but the work I did (the majority, and ALL the "important" stuff) got me Bs and A-s. The only class that ever bit me in the ass was Calculus. I just didn't get it. But, I still didn't outright fail it, getting a D and a D+ for each semster. I finished high school with a 3.1 or so. I'd also done the most rigorous program offered. This earned me an "extra" diploma and required extra work in and outside of classes that usually wouldn't count towards that semester's grade.
Even though I was "lazy" and didn't work my hardest, I was still the Weekend Friend. I never went out on school nights. Unless I was grounded, in which case I'd set up study groups and go do my homework at friends' houses.
Now? I think I got too into the music and networking aspects of my program. Except that can't be it. My networking has been happenstance, and I rarely (still) go to shows on weeknights. I just got apathetic. I guess I don't see any point in writing eight page papers anymore unless I get to go on and on about a band or a song. Even then I fail to say anything, really. My papers wander, I barely get to the point or make it too many times. Robert Christgau says I can't write for shit. (In different words, but that's the message.) And I guess there's nothing I really do right or can improve upon either. Just detractors.
My college cumulative GPA after two years is somewhere around a 2.8. Funny how my parents freak out when that's what my little brother had. No wonder I haven't let them see any of my grades. I just don't get why I seem to have changed so much. Or at least why I don't feel guilty even though I know I'm setting myself up to fail a class. Maybe 18 credits a semester is too much for me, but it seems like my program won't let me take any less. Why is it so easy for everyone else?? AND a lot of them have jobs on top of it.
I was really into my internship this spring, and (so far as they told me) I was doing a good job there. Would it be a horrendous idea for me to drop out and try to get a job there or doing something similar? I'm not really considering it, but the idea has cropped up once or twice.
I guess I just don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to get through college. I'm a smart kid. (Though I've never been the smartest. most of my friends are probably more intelligent than I.) I guess I'm just starting to worry a little bit about how little I seem to care except when comparing myself to others or actually staring at the academic probation letter. Usually in front of other people I'll just shrug it off, but I'm really hoping nobody in my program learns about this. It's a little embarrassing.
I wonder what my dad will say when he realizes my academic financial aid isn't there this year. Well, he didn't even get the FAFSA in on time, so I don't know if he can really complain.
I know I'm going to work hard this semester to make good grades and get out of this. I just hope it doesn't stop me from being able to study abroad in London next semester. My mom's already making Christmas in Europe plans...
Well then. Time to schedule a meeting with my department administrator for this week, fill out the weird questionnaire they sent me with the letter and figure out how to explain what did/didn't happen.
tardis60 and crazy-cool Feefs i_aregettingold!Now, a cut for ugh-ness.
I got an e-mail about two months ago. It was informing me that I am on academic probation. I'd failed to end the semester with a 2.0 and at least 14 credits. Instead, I got two Fs, four Bs/B+s, for a 1.9 and 12 credits. Those weren't my first Fs, and I know exactly what I did to earn them: nothing. I didn't care. Or didn't care to put in extra work after finding it difficult to follow the scatterbrained teacher. I liked my Egyptian Religion class, and found it really interesting, but the entire grade was based on three essays and attendance. I ended up doing none of the essays. I don't really know why I didn't do them. I started the first two, but didn't get beyond the opening paragraph for either. Then, I just didn't finish them. I didn't even feel all that guilty when I didn't even bother with the third.
In high school, I skated by. I cared. I was a little lazy, but the work I did (the majority, and ALL the "important" stuff) got me Bs and A-s. The only class that ever bit me in the ass was Calculus. I just didn't get it. But, I still didn't outright fail it, getting a D and a D+ for each semster. I finished high school with a 3.1 or so. I'd also done the most rigorous program offered. This earned me an "extra" diploma and required extra work in and outside of classes that usually wouldn't count towards that semester's grade.
Even though I was "lazy" and didn't work my hardest, I was still the Weekend Friend. I never went out on school nights. Unless I was grounded, in which case I'd set up study groups and go do my homework at friends' houses.
Now? I think I got too into the music and networking aspects of my program. Except that can't be it. My networking has been happenstance, and I rarely (still) go to shows on weeknights. I just got apathetic. I guess I don't see any point in writing eight page papers anymore unless I get to go on and on about a band or a song. Even then I fail to say anything, really. My papers wander, I barely get to the point or make it too many times. Robert Christgau says I can't write for shit. (In different words, but that's the message.) And I guess there's nothing I really do right or can improve upon either. Just detractors.
My college cumulative GPA after two years is somewhere around a 2.8. Funny how my parents freak out when that's what my little brother had. No wonder I haven't let them see any of my grades. I just don't get why I seem to have changed so much. Or at least why I don't feel guilty even though I know I'm setting myself up to fail a class. Maybe 18 credits a semester is too much for me, but it seems like my program won't let me take any less. Why is it so easy for everyone else?? AND a lot of them have jobs on top of it.
I was really into my internship this spring, and (so far as they told me) I was doing a good job there. Would it be a horrendous idea for me to drop out and try to get a job there or doing something similar? I'm not really considering it, but the idea has cropped up once or twice.
I guess I just don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to get through college. I'm a smart kid. (Though I've never been the smartest. most of my friends are probably more intelligent than I.) I guess I'm just starting to worry a little bit about how little I seem to care except when comparing myself to others or actually staring at the academic probation letter. Usually in front of other people I'll just shrug it off, but I'm really hoping nobody in my program learns about this. It's a little embarrassing.
I wonder what my dad will say when he realizes my academic financial aid isn't there this year. Well, he didn't even get the FAFSA in on time, so I don't know if he can really complain.
I know I'm going to work hard this semester to make good grades and get out of this. I just hope it doesn't stop me from being able to study abroad in London next semester. My mom's already making Christmas in Europe plans...
Well then. Time to schedule a meeting with my department administrator for this week, fill out the weird questionnaire they sent me with the letter and figure out how to explain what did/didn't happen.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-01 11:46 pm (UTC)Talk to your folks about all this, as soon and as plainly as you can. They may can help, and/or the act of defying your torpor might actually break you out of it.
I'm sorry things aren't good, I want you to feel excited, and focused to get something and move on to other, um, somethings...
no subject
Date: 2009-09-02 12:33 am (UTC)I don't want to tell them because I feel like I should be able to pull out of this on my own. All it'll take is harder work this semester and some sort of explanation in my meeting with the department.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-02 12:51 am (UTC)But what if it doesn't? I'm not trying to foment self-doubt, but I think you might have at least a mild depression. And you've been able to function thus far? Hello?! High intelligence= finding coping mechanisms, being creative in self-medication, and - last-ditch - denial.
At least you are facing the feelings of discontent, still. All I'm saying is, don't dismiss them. Talk to your parents as plainly as possible about what's going on, all of it. If they don't turn out to be your best allies (which I think has a good chance to happen), at least you might gain some personal insight.
Life is so complex, but, really, this is probably the trickiest time of life, the one you are in right now.
Don't dismiss the feeling that you are sinking. You might really be, and the solution may just be communicating with the ones you know love you, like your parents.